Another dream in the dream series - Parking charges

The scene of the dream, a fictitious council somewhere in middle England....again.
CJ; I've just had a great thought to make easy money, lets double the parking charges in town
Goffer; Surely doing that it will put people off coming to town?
CJ; Yes, great isn't it. We can claim it as a green initiative, less cars, less pollution
Goffer; Masterful CJ but that will mean less people in the shops
CJ; Thought of that one too, the shops won't need so many staff so saving on their overheads. They will love it
Goffer; Yes...... It might even force some of those pesky small shops to shut down.
CJ; Great! less money to pay out on services for them and we can save money getting rid of staff because we won't have to collect their rates.
Goffer; Er... We don't actually supply any services to businesses
CJ; Minor detail.
Goffer; If enough of the pesky businesses shut we can turn off the lights and save more money.
CJ; Now you're getting the hang of it

Don't know what happened next as I woke up, luckily it was only a dream, it wouldn't really happen, would it? How would I know I'm only a dog.

Wikileaks

Last night I think I needed a Wikileak, it really bothered me all night.
Should I have a Wikileak or not.
Got up this morning and went out and found a tree, had a Wikileak there thank goodness.
Well what do know I'm only a dog.

It's been a while

I can't believe it has been so long ago since I last posted, time has flown by and so much and so little has happened in that time.





So what has happened; well in September the BBC took over the whole of our street and made it into a film set for something called Upstairs, Downstairs, apparently a popular 70's tv series about people going up and down stairs, seems a bit simple to me. Whatever, the film will be shown on Boxing Day I think, whatever boxing day is.
Cool car isn't it!
I tried to get into the picture but they said I was too modern, humpf.

Anyway, look out for the program.

If you've read back issues of my Blog you'll know I am very keen on snow and a couple of weeks ago I thought we were going to get lots, it was very cold and frosty, the TV was saying that lots of the country was snowed in and were was ours? Nowhere, we had a small amount one morning and that was it, I checked every time I went out but no, nothing. I think somewhere else stole our share. I will have to get an investigation going, Dog Poirot or something, oh well what do I know I'm only a dog.

Tidy trees

Now normally I get upset because of the mess that is left around and I may have had a go at our council for various things

But now I have to say the council have been very good and trimmed all the unruly bushes and cleared the weeds from around the top park in our town so it looks so much better, though it was done in summer with little rain so there has been no new growth but hey hum.

One small problem, they have done an efficient job of it round the tennis courts so now players can retrieve their balls easily.

One of my great pleasures in the morning was to rummage around in the bushes and find all the abandoned tennis balls but now there are very few but luckily I have managed to save over....... lots and lots, forgot I can't count.

So should I be happy that the appearance of the area looks so much better or should I be annoyed I can't go ball hunting, oh well what would I know I'm only a dog

Invasion from another planet?

I've noticed something about some humans recently, I thought it was my imagination but have talked to my cousin Bo Obama and he says it's happening in America as well.

It's hard to be sure but we think there is a gradual take over of humans by a force from outer space, there is one big give away, the people who have been affected have wires coming from their ears down into their clothing where we guess there is some sort of controller through which they must be receiving their instructions.

These people also walk at a steady pace, looking only straight ahead and without smiling or acknowledging anybody or anything else.

Obviously I may be wrong about this and don't want to spread alarm but please look out at those passing you and see if there are wires present and if they are in a trance like state and let me know as I think this is quite widespread and soon the planet could be taken over.

But anyway what would I know, I'm only a dog.

You can tell Spring/Summer is here/coming

Ah, the sun is shining, there is the odd shower of rain and the weather is warming up. Leaves are appearing and thickening on trees, flower buds are bursting and colour from blossom is making the hedgerow look beautiful.

But the real way to tell Spring and Summer is the rubbish appearing in the parks. It's amazing, at first I thought what an earth could make paper, packaging and plastic bottles appear from nowhere then I realised it's those selfish students, for those reading this from a long way off we have a University in our area where supposedly intelligent people go to learn, sadly they haven't been taught manners or tidiness.

It's not as if there are no bins in the parks, you have to pass one which ever way you leave them, I know I check them for messages each day and leave my own.

Do they live like this at home? Don't they realise that it looks really bad and is dangerous to us dogs and lesser animals, do they care, obviously not. I barked at some the other day and they said things that even my master found upsetting. And they say that animals don't know how to behave.

Anyway what would I know I'm only a dog.

Too remiss to Twitter

I've just realised that I haven't posted since the great snows, well they were great to me!
Now the spring is here and the plants are getting greener I'm really enjoying playing ball.

I was contemplating doing one of those twitter things, you know, making little notes every few minutes so people would know what I was up to, I asked Bo Obama if he was going to do one but he says he isn't allowed because of security in case he gave some secrets away, but he thought perhaps I should do one. I put a lot of thought into it and I've decided that basically I'm too lazy to keep it up to date, well it has taken me ages to update this blog so how would I manage a Twitter.

Could you imagine how boring my Twitter would be anyway, it would go something like this.

Entry 1. Got up and had a good scratch and stretch

Entry 2. Master took me out for a quick splash and dash, chased 3 squirrels, visited 5 trees, 1 wall and a lamp post.

Entry 3. Had breakfast, Tuna and Boiled Egg, hmm boring.

Entry 4. Went to the park, chased balls, barked, came home.

Well wasn't that exciting? But on the positive side I could copy and paste the entries each day to keep it up to date, all I would need to change was the amount of squirrels, trees and such stuff.

So should I become a Twit or what? What would I know I'm only a dog!

Beware of giant cats

I went down to the park this morning for my normal walk and a quick play in the snow and you'll never guess what I saw, a giant cat, that's what sitting on one of the benches as bold as brass.





I had a small tantrum but it didn't move, it just sat there frozen to the spot next to this weird woman, fancy being out without a coat in this weather.

I guess I'd better stand guard and warn other unsuspecting dos to be careful in case the giant cat wakes up.

Well it might, what do I know I'm only a dog.

Snow Fun

I will put some pictures on my website soon.

Yes Snow!

Happy New year to you all, and there I was thinking it would never snow, and I mean snow, real snow and this morning we had some, not as bad as other places but plenty enough for me to have fun. My daft master didn't take his camera so I haven't got any pictures but there is time yet.

The Christmas lights improved quite dramatically after my last post in December when I complained there was a poor showing this year, it's very gratifying to think so many people take notice of my blog.

I was looking for Elephant tracks in the snow but couldn't find any nor can I see any squirrels, perhaps they all stay hidden in the snow, well what would I know, I'm only a dog.

Snow?

I have noticed that there doesn't seem to be as many houses with Christmas lights this year, I realise that this weekend will probably see more but even so it doesn't many so far.
Perhaps everyone is waiting for snow as it will make it feel more like Christmas, I heard a weather report saying there might be some snow next week and I really like snow, if you have looked at my website you will see pictures of me playing in the snow, it's really good except for one thing, my master throws white balls for me and when they land in the snow they vanish, I haven't quite worked it out yet but I will when we get the next snow.
So the question is, will it snow soon? What would I know, I'm only a dog.
my website www.chester.elise-leamington.com

Birthday boy

So i woke up this morning thinking there was something I should remember, it is Friday the 13th but that doesn't matter because dogs aren't superstitious, touch wood. Then it stuck me it is 13th November and it's my Birthday!

Now here is where I get confused, I think I'm 4 but apparently I am 28, now I feel older but not 28 that is for sure.

Did I get a present? Did I heck, not a thing, not even a tennis ball though I have over 100 another one is always welcome and as my mistress says when getting another pair of shoes/handbag/piece of Jewellery, you can never have too many.

Perhaps there is a surprise later on today or maybe a secret party, I can't wait but how do I tell anyone?

Cousin Bo had a huge party, photographers everything and he's only Portuguese.

I don't know, anyway what would I know I'm only a dog.

Why?

Thought of the day

Why do an ignorant, selfish and thoughtless few ruin it for everyone else?

What would I know, I'm only a dog!

What do experts know about Hot Dogs

I've been talking to Bo recently about the economic problems that we have had here and in the USA and he reminded me about an old tale about a Hot Dog seller so I thought I'd tell you it, are you sitting comfortably;

Once upon a time there was a Hot Dog seller with a stall in the outskirts of the city and he made very good hot dogs, so good in fact people travelled for miles and queued for ages just to have one of his hot dogs.

His Hot Dogs were so good he put signs up and down the road telling everybody how good the hot dogs are and as a consequence more people came to try his hot dogs and the queues got longer and everybody said how good his hot dogs were.

One day an expert banker was in the queue and when he got to the window he said to the hot dog seller "how come you have so many signs saying how good you are up and down the road, don't you know there is a recession on and so you should be careful about the amount of signs you use" immediately behind the expert was Robert Pesto from the BCB TV and he said " you can't be doing well at the moment there is a dramatic problem with the banks and stuff and you should remove some of your signs"

The Hot Dog seller being a simple man thought golly I'd better do as these people say if it's as bad as all that, so he removed his signs, and sure enough the next day trade was definitely down in fact he hardly had a queue for a long time. The Hot dog seller thought, gosh these experts were right, they must be clever.

One day another expert came to his stall and he said you make good Hot dogs you'd better put signs up telling people how good they are, and the Hot dog seller asked but what about the recession? and the expert said " oh it wasn't as bad as we thought is was going to be so don't worry" and so the Hot dog seller put his signs back up and the queues began to form again, especially as he made such good hot dogs.

The Hot Dog seller was so pleased he listened to the experts because goodness knows what would have happened if he hadn't taken his signs down in the first place.

And the moral to the story is, why would I know, I'm only a dog!

Another Rip Off but with no choice

In my previous post I described a "legitimate" Rip Off where at least you have a real choice of provider to use so can avoid it.

There is another Rip Off which is insidious to say the least.

I don't like the thought of anybody having free access to my bank account and being able to draw money from it when ever they like so I avoid Direct Debits which is a licence for corporations to steal money if they make a mistake, and if they make a mistake and take too much you try getting it back quickly! So I prefer good old fashioned cheques.

BT, yes I am naming them, used to charge £4.50 to pay them by cheque which was criminal enough now on the latest bill without warning the charge has gone to £9.00, how, why, what for? Rip off I'm livid, so is my master.

If you ring them to complain they basically tell you tough and research shows that one way or another you cannot avoid BT as other providers rely on BT for the line rental.

Can you imagine going to anywhere in the real world like shops or restaurants and when the bill comes being told you have to pay extra just to pay, businesses trying that on would soon go bust as people (and dogs) would avoid them like the plague but yet BT, other utilities and airlines can do what they like.

So here is a question, when is the cost of goods not the real cost of goods, and another question how come you humans allow them to continually get away with it. What would I know I'm only a dog!

Great idea for a scam

Sorry I didn't post in August but there was very little to inspire me, however the resting of my brain cells gave me time to think up a great scam, I tell you what it is but you must promise not to tell anyone.

OK, so this is how it works;

Set up a small business and find a product that normally sells about £60.00, now here comes the clever bit, advertise it at £1.00 and sell the first 10 at this price gradually raising the price as they sell eventually selling the last few at around £200.00, sounds great now here it gets even better.

When people come into buy the pieces they are all charged extra for the space the the product uses in the shop and the taxes for the business, say £20.00 each piece, then we could, say, tell everyone they can only pay by credit card and there is a charge for that of £5.00, I know CC charges are really only about .60p but this part of the good bit.

Now if the customer would like a bag and someone to get the product from the stock room they could be charged £8.50 and if heaven help us they would like service at a counter the charge is £20.00 without smile, with grudging smile £25.00.

So far so good but to make it really interesting the customer must come at least an hour before the product is ready and if they are a micro second late they can forfeit the product and their money.

While they wait for their purchase we could charge them to sit, oh say £6.00 and if they want a drink or some stale sandwiches that would be £8.00.

So to recap instead of selling each product for a simple £60.00 we can charge basically anything we want and still advertise everything for a pound, I know it sounds implausible and wouldn't work, I'm sure if I tried the office of fair trading would jump on me as it is probably illegal and no-one would fall for the trick, shame really I'd even got a name ready for the company, Brianhair, catchy huh?

Anyway what do I know I'm only a dog!

I am not a Sheep or a Meerkat

Well, it has been a very quiet July, nothing to moan about and no great observations or dreams, however since my haircut several humans have suggested I look like something off the TV called a Meerkat. Now this could be good if they are handsome or famous as I could become a look a like and make lots of money but I don't know what one looks like.

I'm used to humans not knowing what type of dog I am with some asking if I am a Bedlington or a Labradoodie thingy and even someone asking if I was a brown curly Old English, well I ask you!

Some really little people sometimes think I might be a sheep, the very little ones I understand but there are some shells suited types who insist on making a noise they think sounds like a sheep when I pass, maybe they don't allow them out much.

But this Meerkat thing puzzles me, guess I'll have to go looking for them like I do the Elephants.

Anyway what do I know about these things, I'm only a Dog, simples.

Latest Dream - Cycles

For those who have read my earlier blogs will know that occasionally I have strange dreams like the one described in November last year, well it has happened again! This time I dreamt about Cycle Lanes!! Bizarre I know.

Let me explain, I rather like barking at Cyclists, mostly because they seem to ride anywhere especially on the pavements and I always think they are trying to run me over.

The scene in the dream;

Council meeting in a fictitious town somewhere in England;

Goffer; The businesses of this town are concerned that the parking regulations are having an adverse effect on their trade and their ability to get good staff.

CJ: Who cares, the council elections are over so we can ignore everyone again for the next 4 years, anyway I've thought of another way to waste money and make us more important, Cycle Lanes!

Goffer: We've got some of those already and everybody ignores them, cyclists much prefer the pavements.

CJ: Ah, this one is going to be different, It'll run between the next town and this one along a major arterial route.

Goffer: Does anyone actually ride between the towns?

CJ: Someone must! But don't get bogged down in detail, this scheme is brilliant, we can use lots of paint and stuff and use a considerable amount of our budget.

Goffer: What about the one way streets in the town?

CJ: We can be seen to be saving money there, lets make the cycle lane contra-flow.

Goffer: Isn't that dangerous?

CJ: It'll give the ambulance drivers something to do. Anyway we can remove all the parking down those streets to make way for the lane. So what's the fuss?

Goffer: But won't that add to the parking problems everyone is concerned about?

CJ: Who cares, we'll look good for the green credentials and people would have forgotten by the time elections come around again and by then I'll have retired to Spain.

I awoke with a start thinking maybe there will be somewhere safe to walk again as there will be no cycles in the lane, well what do I know, I'm only a dog!

Haircut - not the musical

Well I finally went and did it, yes I had my haircut, Elaine my hairdresser has done a good job don't you think, a nice short back and sides.

Here are a couple of pics, before and after on the same day, tell me what you think.

Talking of hairdressers, I saw Bo Obama on TV looking very smart and fluffy with lovely white paws saw I dropped him a line to ask him him about it.

I turns out he has 3 full time hair dressers and he is washed every other day and that he has to endure brushing every time a camera is pointed to him. He also told me that he has 2 stunt doubles, one of which is trained in un-pawed combat and who is detailed to protect him from wild cats and other things.

Before going on tour with the Obamas in their helicopters he swaps places with a double in case there is a problem, you wouldn't want the most powerful dog in the world to come to harm, would you?

Apparently last week they accidentally left Bo behind and the double did the whole tour, Bo said he didn't really mind because the helicopter can be very scary and makes him a bit airsick.

Oh, whats that note at the bottom of his e-mail, don't tell anyone about this, oh well what do I know, I'm only a dog.

Trouble ahead

Just a quick update to start with, the Elephant hunt is still on, Egor, I mean Bo said he'll drop me a line next week so watch out for that and still no news on the haircut but as nobody has commented I guess nobdy really cares.

More pressing though is I hear the local animal press are soon to do a report on my expenses, you see the problem lies in my living nearly over half a mile from my work, this may not seem a lot but to put it in context that is 28 posts, 14 additional sniffing points and lots of footsteps for one so small. Therefore I feel it is my right to claim for a second bone on expenses.

You see my wages are so small that it would be impossible for me to do my job properly if I didn't have a second bone to go to when I am at work. Surely it's not too much to ask and I know I've technically got two second bones but one is a ring so shouldn't count! And the women's clothing I find isn't mine, honest.

Now you can't say my having more than 100 tennis balls is excessive, they're not funded by the public purse, I kinda acquire them, no not really theft, honest!

And before anybody asked I did check my expense claims recently and noticed a collar claimed accidently, realising my mistake I immediately paid this back, no not because I found out about the expenses investigation but because I'm a public spirited dog.

Resign? No I only claimed within the rules, I won't even apologise, I'm too arrogant for that.

Thank goodness things like this don't go on in the human world, could you imagine the upset it would cause and the humans would have to resign, but hey what do I know, I'm only a dog!