Snow?

I have noticed that there doesn't seem to be as many houses with Christmas lights this year, I realise that this weekend will probably see more but even so it doesn't many so far.
Perhaps everyone is waiting for snow as it will make it feel more like Christmas, I heard a weather report saying there might be some snow next week and I really like snow, if you have looked at my website you will see pictures of me playing in the snow, it's really good except for one thing, my master throws white balls for me and when they land in the snow they vanish, I haven't quite worked it out yet but I will when we get the next snow.
So the question is, will it snow soon? What would I know, I'm only a dog.
my website www.chester.elise-leamington.com

Birthday boy

So i woke up this morning thinking there was something I should remember, it is Friday the 13th but that doesn't matter because dogs aren't superstitious, touch wood. Then it stuck me it is 13th November and it's my Birthday!

Now here is where I get confused, I think I'm 4 but apparently I am 28, now I feel older but not 28 that is for sure.

Did I get a present? Did I heck, not a thing, not even a tennis ball though I have over 100 another one is always welcome and as my mistress says when getting another pair of shoes/handbag/piece of Jewellery, you can never have too many.

Perhaps there is a surprise later on today or maybe a secret party, I can't wait but how do I tell anyone?

Cousin Bo had a huge party, photographers everything and he's only Portuguese.

I don't know, anyway what would I know I'm only a dog.

Why?

Thought of the day

Why do an ignorant, selfish and thoughtless few ruin it for everyone else?

What would I know, I'm only a dog!

What do experts know about Hot Dogs

I've been talking to Bo recently about the economic problems that we have had here and in the USA and he reminded me about an old tale about a Hot Dog seller so I thought I'd tell you it, are you sitting comfortably;

Once upon a time there was a Hot Dog seller with a stall in the outskirts of the city and he made very good hot dogs, so good in fact people travelled for miles and queued for ages just to have one of his hot dogs.

His Hot Dogs were so good he put signs up and down the road telling everybody how good the hot dogs are and as a consequence more people came to try his hot dogs and the queues got longer and everybody said how good his hot dogs were.

One day an expert banker was in the queue and when he got to the window he said to the hot dog seller "how come you have so many signs saying how good you are up and down the road, don't you know there is a recession on and so you should be careful about the amount of signs you use" immediately behind the expert was Robert Pesto from the BCB TV and he said " you can't be doing well at the moment there is a dramatic problem with the banks and stuff and you should remove some of your signs"

The Hot Dog seller being a simple man thought golly I'd better do as these people say if it's as bad as all that, so he removed his signs, and sure enough the next day trade was definitely down in fact he hardly had a queue for a long time. The Hot dog seller thought, gosh these experts were right, they must be clever.

One day another expert came to his stall and he said you make good Hot dogs you'd better put signs up telling people how good they are, and the Hot dog seller asked but what about the recession? and the expert said " oh it wasn't as bad as we thought is was going to be so don't worry" and so the Hot dog seller put his signs back up and the queues began to form again, especially as he made such good hot dogs.

The Hot Dog seller was so pleased he listened to the experts because goodness knows what would have happened if he hadn't taken his signs down in the first place.

And the moral to the story is, why would I know, I'm only a dog!

Another Rip Off but with no choice

In my previous post I described a "legitimate" Rip Off where at least you have a real choice of provider to use so can avoid it.

There is another Rip Off which is insidious to say the least.

I don't like the thought of anybody having free access to my bank account and being able to draw money from it when ever they like so I avoid Direct Debits which is a licence for corporations to steal money if they make a mistake, and if they make a mistake and take too much you try getting it back quickly! So I prefer good old fashioned cheques.

BT, yes I am naming them, used to charge £4.50 to pay them by cheque which was criminal enough now on the latest bill without warning the charge has gone to £9.00, how, why, what for? Rip off I'm livid, so is my master.

If you ring them to complain they basically tell you tough and research shows that one way or another you cannot avoid BT as other providers rely on BT for the line rental.

Can you imagine going to anywhere in the real world like shops or restaurants and when the bill comes being told you have to pay extra just to pay, businesses trying that on would soon go bust as people (and dogs) would avoid them like the plague but yet BT, other utilities and airlines can do what they like.

So here is a question, when is the cost of goods not the real cost of goods, and another question how come you humans allow them to continually get away with it. What would I know I'm only a dog!

Great idea for a scam

Sorry I didn't post in August but there was very little to inspire me, however the resting of my brain cells gave me time to think up a great scam, I tell you what it is but you must promise not to tell anyone.

OK, so this is how it works;

Set up a small business and find a product that normally sells about £60.00, now here comes the clever bit, advertise it at £1.00 and sell the first 10 at this price gradually raising the price as they sell eventually selling the last few at around £200.00, sounds great now here it gets even better.

When people come into buy the pieces they are all charged extra for the space the the product uses in the shop and the taxes for the business, say £20.00 each piece, then we could, say, tell everyone they can only pay by credit card and there is a charge for that of £5.00, I know CC charges are really only about .60p but this part of the good bit.

Now if the customer would like a bag and someone to get the product from the stock room they could be charged £8.50 and if heaven help us they would like service at a counter the charge is £20.00 without smile, with grudging smile £25.00.

So far so good but to make it really interesting the customer must come at least an hour before the product is ready and if they are a micro second late they can forfeit the product and their money.

While they wait for their purchase we could charge them to sit, oh say £6.00 and if they want a drink or some stale sandwiches that would be £8.00.

So to recap instead of selling each product for a simple £60.00 we can charge basically anything we want and still advertise everything for a pound, I know it sounds implausible and wouldn't work, I'm sure if I tried the office of fair trading would jump on me as it is probably illegal and no-one would fall for the trick, shame really I'd even got a name ready for the company, Brianhair, catchy huh?

Anyway what do I know I'm only a dog!

I am not a Sheep or a Meerkat

Well, it has been a very quiet July, nothing to moan about and no great observations or dreams, however since my haircut several humans have suggested I look like something off the TV called a Meerkat. Now this could be good if they are handsome or famous as I could become a look a like and make lots of money but I don't know what one looks like.

I'm used to humans not knowing what type of dog I am with some asking if I am a Bedlington or a Labradoodie thingy and even someone asking if I was a brown curly Old English, well I ask you!

Some really little people sometimes think I might be a sheep, the very little ones I understand but there are some shells suited types who insist on making a noise they think sounds like a sheep when I pass, maybe they don't allow them out much.

But this Meerkat thing puzzles me, guess I'll have to go looking for them like I do the Elephants.

Anyway what do I know about these things, I'm only a Dog, simples.

Latest Dream - Cycles

For those who have read my earlier blogs will know that occasionally I have strange dreams like the one described in November last year, well it has happened again! This time I dreamt about Cycle Lanes!! Bizarre I know.

Let me explain, I rather like barking at Cyclists, mostly because they seem to ride anywhere especially on the pavements and I always think they are trying to run me over.

The scene in the dream;

Council meeting in a fictitious town somewhere in England;

Goffer; The businesses of this town are concerned that the parking regulations are having an adverse effect on their trade and their ability to get good staff.

CJ: Who cares, the council elections are over so we can ignore everyone again for the next 4 years, anyway I've thought of another way to waste money and make us more important, Cycle Lanes!

Goffer: We've got some of those already and everybody ignores them, cyclists much prefer the pavements.

CJ: Ah, this one is going to be different, It'll run between the next town and this one along a major arterial route.

Goffer: Does anyone actually ride between the towns?

CJ: Someone must! But don't get bogged down in detail, this scheme is brilliant, we can use lots of paint and stuff and use a considerable amount of our budget.

Goffer: What about the one way streets in the town?

CJ: We can be seen to be saving money there, lets make the cycle lane contra-flow.

Goffer: Isn't that dangerous?

CJ: It'll give the ambulance drivers something to do. Anyway we can remove all the parking down those streets to make way for the lane. So what's the fuss?

Goffer: But won't that add to the parking problems everyone is concerned about?

CJ: Who cares, we'll look good for the green credentials and people would have forgotten by the time elections come around again and by then I'll have retired to Spain.

I awoke with a start thinking maybe there will be somewhere safe to walk again as there will be no cycles in the lane, well what do I know, I'm only a dog!

Haircut - not the musical

Well I finally went and did it, yes I had my haircut, Elaine my hairdresser has done a good job don't you think, a nice short back and sides.

Here are a couple of pics, before and after on the same day, tell me what you think.

Talking of hairdressers, I saw Bo Obama on TV looking very smart and fluffy with lovely white paws saw I dropped him a line to ask him him about it.

I turns out he has 3 full time hair dressers and he is washed every other day and that he has to endure brushing every time a camera is pointed to him. He also told me that he has 2 stunt doubles, one of which is trained in un-pawed combat and who is detailed to protect him from wild cats and other things.

Before going on tour with the Obamas in their helicopters he swaps places with a double in case there is a problem, you wouldn't want the most powerful dog in the world to come to harm, would you?

Apparently last week they accidentally left Bo behind and the double did the whole tour, Bo said he didn't really mind because the helicopter can be very scary and makes him a bit airsick.

Oh, whats that note at the bottom of his e-mail, don't tell anyone about this, oh well what do I know, I'm only a dog.

Trouble ahead

Just a quick update to start with, the Elephant hunt is still on, Egor, I mean Bo said he'll drop me a line next week so watch out for that and still no news on the haircut but as nobody has commented I guess nobdy really cares.

More pressing though is I hear the local animal press are soon to do a report on my expenses, you see the problem lies in my living nearly over half a mile from my work, this may not seem a lot but to put it in context that is 28 posts, 14 additional sniffing points and lots of footsteps for one so small. Therefore I feel it is my right to claim for a second bone on expenses.

You see my wages are so small that it would be impossible for me to do my job properly if I didn't have a second bone to go to when I am at work. Surely it's not too much to ask and I know I've technically got two second bones but one is a ring so shouldn't count! And the women's clothing I find isn't mine, honest.

Now you can't say my having more than 100 tennis balls is excessive, they're not funded by the public purse, I kinda acquire them, no not really theft, honest!

And before anybody asked I did check my expense claims recently and noticed a collar claimed accidently, realising my mistake I immediately paid this back, no not because I found out about the expenses investigation but because I'm a public spirited dog.

Resign? No I only claimed within the rules, I won't even apologise, I'm too arrogant for that.

Thank goodness things like this don't go on in the human world, could you imagine the upset it would cause and the humans would have to resign, but hey what do I know, I'm only a dog!

Haircut now?

Spring is nicely advanced and Summer is almost here and soon it will be June the significance of which is that is when I go for my annual haircut.

Last week it was pretty warm and I was thinking perhaps I should get one in earlier especially as seeds and stuff was starting to get into my fluff, then this week it's cooled down again and I'm pleased I didn't get cut but the rain plays havoc with my locks.

Oh what a dilemma, cut now or wait till June, chance a cool period or expect a sunshine?

Oh well, what do I know I'm only a dog.

My Cousin is in the White House

There I was lying on my chair minding my own business when suddenly there was my cousin Egor the Portuguese Water Dog on the TV pretending to be called Bo. He's aged a bit and changed his hair style since I last saw him but it is definitely Egor, you can tell by his cute smile.

Well I jumped up and thought how did he get there, then I saw he was with that nice Mr. Obama's family and realised that he was on a special undercover mission that was why he changed his name, he could have chosen something better that Bo but I suppose it does sound more American than Egor.

Anyway obviously he is now the most powerful dog in the world so I hope he uses his new found powers wisely, perhaps he could create a International Water Dog Day when we could exchange lots of cards and treats and stuff. Perhaps I'll ask him to send over a few Marines to sort out the local Winkers and Jobs Worth's we have around here, that if he hasn't grown too big for his fluff, I could always ask. Well what would I know, I'm only a dog

Are some humans selfish or what? - Winge time!

The sun is out, green bits are coming on the plants and it is getting warmer and out come the selfish ones.

I've mentioned rubbish before but I must have another go! Humans sit on the grass in parks eating their food and when they finish they just get up and walk away leaving the food wrappers where they were even though they have to pass a bin to exit the park, I know where they are because they are positioned in a handy position for watering.

Also........
I go out whether it is raining, snowing, windy, cold and sometimes all of these things but when it is sunny a special breed of humans come out who think they have special privileges to the world this is compounded by younger ones that scream as my friends and I pass by minding our own business.
Big humans rush over muttering about uncontrolled dogs when it is their precious offspring that should be taught to behave and heaven help me if we should bark, any one would think we're poised to attack.
Can't the humans be taught to clean up and to respect other people and dogs, oh well what do I know, I'm only a dog.
P.S. No elephants found yet.

So where are the elephants?

The other day I heard master say that there are Elephants in Leamington, I'm not sure what an elephant is but I'm told by a wise old dog in Jephson Gardens that the 3 statues by the restaurant are elephants.

I've checked them over and they're not very big but not so small that they could hide easily so I've been on look out ever since, I haven't come across any but maybe had a sniff of one, not that I know what they should smell like.

I've been everywhere looking, even across the river, I've checked behind walls, round corners, everywhere but so far nothing!

I'm not saying master is mistaken but but you never know. I'll keep looking and will keep you up to date if there are any developments.

Maybe Elephants are only a myth, what would I know, I'm only a dog.

Leamington's holding up

This may sound sad but 2 years ago master and I counted all the shops which were empty or for rent in Leamington and we found that there were 33. Well with all the bad news and the so called experts spouting off on the TV about the empty High Streets we decided to do another count this weekend and guess what? there were 33 shops empty or with for rent signs! Spooky.

We noticed that there a bunch of shops that were empty 2 years ago are still empty now, also that our count this weekend included 4 new shops that weren't built a couple of years ago.

Back then Park Street had 4 shops available, today there is only 1 but that's just a relocation. Don't get me wrong, we're not complacent or gloating, we need to get people to keep coming to Leamington to shop so it stays the same or gets better, there are some great shops available and if the Landlords or the Estate Agents aren't too greedy these could be filled pretty soon.

Please people keep shopping in Leamington and tell all your friends to come and see us, especially me! Anyway what do I know I'm only a dog.

Recycling, is it worth it? - a winge

My master has only fairly recently got into this recycling thing.

Having had a brief discussion with a council person (maybe one from my dream meeting) he decided that as we live quite high, for health and safety sake, he would used a nice bag they provide instead of the red plastic box, well could you imagine him tripping up and falling down stairs as he couldn't see the steps ahead of him.

In the box you can put bottles, paper and card so he assumed it would be the same for the bag and so for a few weeks it all went quite well then one day we came down for our morning walk and our bag hadn't been collected though we could see the lorry just down the road.

Feeling brave (probably because I was there to protect him) my master went to ask them why they hadn't done our bag, apparently it was because we had a mixed bag and bags can't be mixed only boxes can, it's something to do with the sides of the bags being floppy and so they can't see what they are picking out of the bag and they might break a finger nail or something.

It was so obvious that you couldn't mix in bags they had an official leaflet that said so and obviously my master is a total idiot for not realising this, anyway they suggested they were more important than my master so he should learn his lesson.

Now every collection day my master separates the recycle bag into the different materials and carries them down the stairs to be ready for the guys with the nice finger-nails to collect them.

Imagine our consternation this week when we went down and one of our bags was missing, quite often the nice finger-nail men leave the bag in random piles further down the street, but this morning was different, some winker had come along in the night and thrown selected recycling bags and boxes into the basement flats courtyards down our road causing quite a mess including smashing bottles. Luckily it was our cardboard bag they threw so that was in one piece.

Did the nice finger-nailed people pop down a few steps into the courtyard and pick up what they could, no chance, maybe it would break their stilettos or something I don't know, so our card bag wasn't collected and as they don't come for two weeks it could have caused a problem if my master hadn't had a cunning plan.

Is all the aggro worth it, what would I know, I'm only a dog!

My new distant cousins

Hi Diane,
It was great hearing from you and thank you for linking the pictures of my new distant cousins to my blog, how cute are they but not ready to play yet, do you think they will like tennis balls?
Lana must be a proud Mum.
Hope you like my site? It's fun doing it but I keep on hitting the paws button as the fluff gets in the way!

Leamington, centre of the world - official

One thing I really enjoy is sniffing and checking out the various objects I find on my walks, well the other day I came across a large rock with some writing on it, here's a picture;

Basically what it says is the centre of England is a nearby Oak Tree, I went and checked and yes there is an Oak Tree but it seemed very small so I helped it by lifting my leg, you never know any liquid might help it grow.

Anyway I heard somewhere that the centre of the world is based round GMT, whatever that is, which apparently runs through England therefore this tree being the centre of England is in turn the Centre of the world, therefore in doggy logic I've watered at the centre of the world.

How cool is that! Anyway what do I know, I'm only a dog.

Parking - true story

We've just got a new neighbour, and a nice person he is. We met him the other day and he was telling us about his adventures with the council.

He needed a parking permit to park where we live so he went down to the local council taking with him proof of identity and ownership of the car.

At the reception he was given the forms and was told he needed to post the application with copies of his documents and a cheque or postal order for the required amount.

And where was he to post it to? yes the building he was standing in, so he asked if he could not just fill out the form there and then and leave it, apparently no it was against the rules but on this occassion it would be OK.

Several obstacles still stood in the way, i.e. copying of the documents and the payment.

There was a copier less than 2 metres from the reception but he couldn't use it as it was against the rules!

As the neighbour was a young guy he'd long ago stopped using cheques so couldn't lay his hands on his cheque book so asked if he could pay with his debit card, the receptionist didn't know but gave him a phone number to call to find out, the number was for the building he was in! After some polite requests he was eventually allowed to use an internal phone to the department.

If he was applying for a carpark permit they would be delighted to accept his debit card but as he was applying for a residents permit he would have to use a cheque or postal order.

At this point the neighbour gave up and went across town to the post office bought a postal order and stamp and posted it to them.

Lucky they were so helpful as it could have been a difficult task, but what would I know I'm only a dog.